Amanda, Ruben, Lorenzo

This morning, Dad asked me if I’ve gotten any “job offerings”.  I told him each time he’s asked me this week: no. I am not responding to any ads because I am TRYING TO PASS ALL THE BACKGROUND CHECK DOCUMENTS FOR THIS ONE JOB I ALREADY HAVE   I didn’t yell.  Does he want me to continue looking for work WHILE I got a job? I don’t ask. He won’t say. Dad just doesn’t listen. He doesn’t fake like he IS interested. And I don’t want to say it over and over. But I still do.  Dad believes his Mom was the reason why he never worked at Lockheed.  I’ve come close to giving up. But my sole purpose in life these past two weeks is so I could tell him I didn’t have to use my Dad as an excuse, not a good reason to be unemployed.  I am so mad I could spit.  Better go back to work. It’s fucking cold in this apartment. And I have no internet access here. But I don’t want to go to Moms house because Dads there.  .

 Despite last night’s entry, didn’t drink then either.  The day is still young tho 6:49am . 10:18 PM Was going to Cardiff Lounge to see Audiobender. Had forty bucks but spent it on meat. Plenty of carbs from free food giveaways Friday and Saturday.  Hid the bottle downstairs. Schnapps too tempting.  Got onboarding to do. Finally got OnePoint to launch Workday and I STILL don’t see all the docs they say I need.  But I am tired of fighting with Dad over his router. I got no where to go and. O one with who. I can confide . Oh yeah about this. Or king …

 Diana wrote me yesterday to tell me $leaving.  It’s probably for the best.  Haven’t been to the liquor store for two weeks  Dad blocks me from getting any onboarding work done- immediately after he claims to be willing to be out of the way.  I have a bottle in the house - a mix of schnapps and vodka. I’m gonna drink it. I have been saving it for a celebration of some sort. But everyone and everything wants no part of me, then takes a bite of me.  I struggle every day. But I get too used to everyone’s abuse. The onboarding The Dad pretending to be supportive then sends me home like a child. Then the next day Bhend needs help. And I get nothing done.  I’m always to blame. I get no credit. And no love.